The Quirky Brain: Why Emailing and Calling People Can Be Scary For Those With ADHD

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Sometimes, my mind goes blank and my fingers get stuck when I am trying to dial a number, talk to someone new, or send a cold email.

In the past, I would put off sending an email or making a phone call because of a few different reasons (we’ll explore those soon), and then there’s that awkward period of “well shit… it’s been this long… do I still respond?” And then the anxiety starts to elevate, bringing all THAT fun to the party.

I used to think this was a defect--something about me that was 'unprofessional' or 'broken'.

"Everyone else can just call the places...why can't I?", I used to ask myself regularly.

The other thought I had often… “Oh shit! I should have done that ages ago!”

It was like this visceral anxiety response and shame spiral would paralyze me and I would get stuck in my head and I would freeze.

What do you think? Has this ever happened to you?

You see, I've never had any negative reactions to emailing or calling someone. So it wasn't a trauma response from that angle.

I've also never had a problem with stage fright or public speaking. So it wasn't that either.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized this was just another one of my 'quirks'--a symptom of my wonderfully complex brain that the world labels as adhd.

Why does this happen?

There are a few reasons:

1. I can get overwhelmed by the options.

   When I am trying to make a decision, my brain goes into overdrive and lists off all of the potential outcomes--good and bad. It's like my brain is trying to protect me from making a mistake by considering every possibility.

2. I can get caught up in the details.

   I can get so caught up in the little details of a situation that I forget the bigger picture. For example, when I am trying to make a phone call, I might get stuck on what to say or how to start the conversation.

3. I can procrastinate.

   This is a big one. I am a master procrastinator. I can put off making a phone call or sending an email for days, weeks, or even months. It's not that I don't want to do it, I just can't seem to make myself do it.

4. I can get distracted.

   This ties into procrastination, but it's worth mentioning on its own.I can get so caught up in other things that the task at hand falls by the wayside. For example, I might be in the middle of writing an email and then get sidetracked by a new project or something else that catches my interest.

5. I can be forgetful.

   This is another big one. I am notoriously forgetful. I might forget to make the phone call or email altogether. I might also forget what I was going to say mid-conversation. ADHD can impact every area of my life, but this is one of the quieter symptoms. It's not as noticeable as, say, forgetting to pay a bill or losing my keys. But it can be just as frustrating and debilitating.

6. In the past, I used to be very fearful of others' responses.

   No, there's no evidence that supports this thought, it is solely based on (usually) an incorrect assumption. But my brain would go nuts thinking about All The Things That Could Go Wrong. You know... that fun party we are forced to attend from time to time.

7. Out of Sight—Out of Mind.

   ADHD has a little known connection with what in the psych world, we call 'object permanence. Object permanence is the ability to understand that things continue to exist even when they are out of sight. For example, a baby who does not have object permanence will cry when their parent leaves the room because they think the parent has disappeared forever.

   ADHDers have a similar experience when the good ol' anxiety party starts. When we are anxious about something, we fixate on the thing we are anxious about and we cannot see anything else. It's like the thing we are anxious about is the only thing in the world. This can make it hard to see other people's perspectives or understand that they might not be as invested in the situation as we are. When we are not focused on the thing, it disappears from our minds. It just... *poof* goes missing. Like the text message we forgot about...or the lab requisition for our doctor... or the phone call we said we'd make but forgot.

Now What?

I often have a lot of people ask me, "Okay Sharla, but what can I do to help mitigate this?" Here's my answer:

1. Write out what you want to say.

   I still do this. I do this for appointments where I know I will get sidetracked or forget something, for phone calls to the government I need to make so I don't ramble on and on, and for networking events, which I used to avoid at all costs because of my experiences.

2. Practice the small talk.

   Yep, I have a little list for that too. I have 2-3 questions that I memorize and have handy for starting small talk. Because my brain doesn't really 'get' small talk. It's a thing... lots of us are like that.

3. Set a timer.

   This one is for emailing and calling in general. I set a timer for 2 minutes and I do the thing I've been avoiding. When the timer goes off, I choose then to keep going or to move on. Usually, I keep going, because let's make one thing clear... ADHD brains can have a hard time transitioning from one task to another.

4. Engage in thought work and ask yourself the tough questions.

• What are the reasons you avoid this activity?

• What is the story you tell yourself about these scenarios? I used to tell myself that I would come across as dumb or unprofessional because I had an image I believed about what 'smart' and 'professional' looked like.

• Is it a fear-based thought, worried about how others will perceive you?

• Is it based on a fact, assumption, or feeling?

• What would you tell a friend who was struggling with the same thing?

• What do you feel like in your body when you experience this and where do you feel it? I used to feel it in my chest, it would clench up really, really tightly, and I'd hunch my shoulders inward.

Now... working with our wonderfully complex thoughts can be daunting. So I want to make it a bit easier for you.

I've created a FREE worksheet that walks you through the process of identifying your beliefs, thoughts, and feelings around social anxiety (or any other topic!).

You can grab that by checking out this post where you'll find the download link.

5. Write the Draft and Wait a Day

Email-wise, I may write a draft and leave it for a day or so, and use a thought replacement strategy I've been using for years as I click send or the call button. My thought in those moments is "It's just a phone call. I'm as prepared as I can be, and it's okay to make mistakes--I'll just circle back, fix them for next time, and move forward". A bit long-winded, yes, but that's what I needed. What could you tell yourself when you do something hard that would be A)Believable, and B)Factual?

6. And finally, I'll close with this: The more you do it, the easier it gets.

You'll make mistakes, for sure. But you'll also get better and better at it each time.

The more phone calls you make, the less anxious you'll feel about them (provided you're using some of the techniques I listed above).

If you have ADHD and social anxiety, or even just social anxiety, know that you're not alone. There are so many of us out there who understand what you're going through. We see you, we feel you, and we got your back.

And there are resources and strategies that can help. We have a mastermind group called The Garden which is a place dedicated to people similar to you and me. And the party in this group is so much fun. I can't even begin to describe it. This is the one thing I'll never have a hard time talking about, because it is so much FUN! If you want to check it out, click here. (And if not, no worries! I'll still be here cheering you on).

If you need some support, consider joining an ADHD support group like ours in The Garden or working with a therapist who specializes in ADHD (like me).

You don't have to suffer in silence. There is help available.

Hi, I’m Sharla Crowie,

I’m a Registered Social Worker who specializes in working with women to heal anxiety and all the fun it brings to the party, ADHD superpowers, disordered eating, shame, and trauma.

I founded Bloom Narratives, a private practice that provides holistic wellness services.

I’m also one of the hosts of The Garden Community, our First Ever Game-Changing Mastermind Program that has a ton of party favours for members. Come join the party!

Why? So you can be a game-changer in your life. Because healing people heal people.