It’s Time to Talk About Perfectionism.
Let’s cut the bullshit about perfectionism.
Perfectionism is like this shiny toy, job, look, and newest upgrade that often sits just beyond our reach. We glamourize it, envy it, wish for it, compare ourselves to it, and judge the shit out of it.
Let me get real with you for a minute.
I remember looking up from my book in the library when I was 12 to the group of ‘popular girls’ walking by and feeling shitty about myself. Feeling like I was this awkward human who never could ‘fit in’ because I thought I was ‘unpopular’ and ‘imperfect’’.
Was I?
According Degrassi or 90210, or other Westernized ideology of preferred social norms, hell yes. I was awkward as hell! I talked too much or too little, had ‘nerdy’ interests, hated sports, loved music and band, did not have a huge crowd of friends or invites to parties, and I loved being by myself.
I also have ADHD that wasn’t diagnosed, so school social situations were some of the most exhausting and painful moments of my life.
That was fun to share (ugh)... Anyway, as a result of feeling this belief I had about ‘not being enough’, ‘imperfect’, and ‘unpopular’, I, obviously thought I needed to change. I turned to becoming as perfect and as good as I could be, believing that if I was superior in some way, I might be more accepted. Throughout school and university, I believed I should:
Push myself to my limits and be the best academically,
Be overly helpful and polite (I always got the “most helpful” awards),
Always accommodate others above my own (hellloooo no boundaries),
Never, ever, under any circumstances, appear socially awkward,
Be a perfectionist (yep, I idealized and valued it’s itentity too),
Always present myself in the most professional way possible,
Dress in the best trends, wearing brands I thought were popular,
Blend into the background as much as possible.
Actually... here’s a fun(?) story about blending in... In an early university course, I learned that the best way to fly under the radar was where I sat and what I said in class (there were clearly some benefits I learned about human behaviour). If it was a small class, I did ‘just enough’ to not be noticed/ paid attention to. In large classes, it was such a relief, because no one noticed me. I actually made ZERO friends in those large lecture hall classes because I wasn’t forced to interact with people. And I actually didn’t care a bit about it.
For a neurodiverse brain, just think for a moment the torture I put myself under for most of my school life and early career. The only relief in school were those large lecture halls where I didn’t have to put on a mask.
Because every other moment was exhausting.
Mentally. Socially. Physically. Emotionally. You name it.
The cost that this trauma response had on me was intense.
Anxiety through the roof that I hid very well.
Huge mood swings.
Depression.
Partying hard in university.
Disordered eating habits.
Low security in my friendships.
Low self-esteem and self-worth
But, wasn’t the 4.0 GPA worth it? The good career?
I’ll put that back to you… do you think it was worth it?
Now… let me introduce you to the real me. Who am I really? What are my core values?
Compassion & Hope.
Those two values light me up, light my way, influence my decisions, and have me show up as authentically as I can. They are the ones people made fun of me for growing up, saying “you’re too optimistic Sharla. Be realistic,” or “That’s not going to happen Sharla. Stop trying so hard to make a difference here,” “why are you spending so much time working on that? You’re not going to get the award/scholarship,” or even, “Don’t be kind or friends with ____. They are so annoying.” I can go on...those words were hard.
Perfectionist brain, well she thought about aligning with those critics.
Spoiler alert: Compassion and Hope showed up regularly in my life too, even though Perfectionism didn’t want them.
Because even though I struggled a lot, I had moments where Compassion and Hope guided my choices. Like when a friend was hurting, I would sit with them and talk to them. Or in Grade 1, when all the kids in my class ostracized two students for being disruptive or ‘uncool’, I became their friend.
Now, I’m not saying I was actually a mini social worker as a kid--no no. I was hurt, and hurt others back as a result. I tried to fit in the wrong way a lot of the time, and that led to my own personal shame hell that took years to get out of.
But what I’m saying is that the core values we have; well...they fight too to be seen and heard. They just fight differently.
They were the ones that said “You’ve got this” in grade 12 when I sat down at my desk for 2 weeks straight to apply for university scholarships.
They were the ones that said, “You can do this,” as I took a deep breath and started my career, not knowing a clue really of what I needed to do.
They are also the ones that said, “Own your life, Sharla. Be kind to yourself, even if no one else is.”
You see… Perfectionism doesn’t want the true person to be seen. She wants that person to be hidden.
Because Perfectionism believes it is safer that way.
It’s our built in trauma response of ‘fawning’. I like how the Holistic Psychologist sums it up:
Let’s just let that sink in a little.
Fawning steps in to protect us, often by showing up with perfectionist fantasies. All to protect the hurt kiddo we once were. It’s to say, “if you do this, no one can ever hurt you again.” Which, if we call a spade a space, is complete bullshit.
Why? Perfection is unrealistic and unattainable; as a result, Perfectionism constantly makes us work harder, do more, or be more because it makes us think we aren’t enough.
And we can’t get rid of Perfectionism or the over arching Fawning Trauma Response, until we sit with her for a while, get to know her and all her tactics, beliefs, intentions, and dreams. What societal standards did Perfectionism try to strive towards as a way of feeling ‘enough’? What did Perfectionism believe about Identity, Oppression, and Significance? We can’t ultimately heal from this trauma response if we keep ignoring the truth as to why she is so active in our lives in the first place.
Which, ultimately, is about protection.
“So Sharla...” you may say, “thanks so much for dredging up the shittyness that was my childhood and busting through the defense strategy that has worked so well for so long…”
“Did it though?”, I ask as I tilt my head and smile....
Now what?
Now… we go back, and give ourselves what we needed in the first place. Security, acceptance, love, and compassion.
We thank Perfectionism for doing what it needed to do to keep us safe.
We thank her for the accomplishments she supported us with, and the energy and ambition she gave us to rise up.
And as we rise… Head back. Shoulders down. Deep breath. Now say:
“I am enough.”
Hi, I’m Sharla
I’m a Registered Social Worker who specializes in working with women to heal anxiety and all the fun it brings to the party, ADHD struggles, disordered eating, shame, and trauma.
I founded Bloom Narratives, a private practice that provides holistic wellness services.
Why? So you can be a game changer in your life. Because healing people heal people.