Overthinking, Negative Feelings, and Shame, Oh My!
Are you tired?
Like… so tired you feel the need to sleep for the next week in order to slightly feel more refreshed?
Ohhhh, sweet one, do I get you.
I’m tired too. I’m not designed to be this Robotic-Serotonin-Dopamine-Oxytocin-Driven professional who always has her shit together.
One of my favourite podcasters, Simone Grace Seol, rocked my world telling me about “Feel Good Fascism”, which is a fear based response to our own personal complexities, where we avoid showing anything other than #slayingit or #livingmybestlife to the public.
I’m all about anti-perfectionism.
I strive to be so completely anti-perfect, that I surprise myself with all the grace and compassion my heart often needs.
You see...a few years ago, that is so the opposite of how I showed up in the world. I used to be afraid of people, like they are some scary entity that secretly knows something about me that I don’t.
Spoiler alert: no one secretly knows things about you that you don’t yourself know.
Perfectionism worked to protect me from the perceived harm I was anticipating (read that bombshell here), but it sure didn’t set me up for living authentically.
It was like I was constantly holding myself back because I was afraid of showing up as my whole, neurodiverse self, because strangers had this secret knowledge about me that would RUIN MY LIFE.
So I’m changing the game of private practice. I’m changing it to be accessible. Real. With real humans supporting other humans. Don’t worry. We’ve also gone to school, trained, and practiced for what seems like eons (literally... it's been at least 1 decade for each of the professionals at Bloom--I contract solid therapists who know their shit).
I can’t tell you how many times I have heard people looking for just that. Authentic, skilled, and quirky professionals. Many clients tell me that they feel like they can talk to me and the other clinicians easier because they don’t feel judged or shamed if they don’t do their ‘homework’ (spoiler alert: I never did mine when I was in therapy either… it’s kind of why I don’t ever give it out).
But I digress...I feel like we live in a world where we idealize our healing, which really is us saying to ourselves, “I don’t want to feel this way, so I’m going to change and feel something different. I’m going to focus on the end point.”
Right so...let’s break this down a bit because my brain is working faster than my fingers.
We are socialized as a society to be adverse to feeling ‘negative things’. This could be feeling angry, sad, scared, tired, lethargic, moody, and the list goes on.
When we don’t want to feel a certain way, we try to change it..
Maybe we binge on carbs, feel restless, shame ourselves into doing something, shame ourselves out of doing something, use substances or other habitual things to numb out or escape from it…
So we take our feelings, decide we need to change them, and avoid feeling the thing we think we should avoid or get rid of.
And how do we show up in the world? With our masks, obviously (figurative, though literal is also appropriate right now).
Our figurative masks of Success, Ambition, Smiling, Helpful, etc.
Let’s do a little experiment. What would happen if you had absolutely nothing wrong with you that needed fixing? What would happen if you showed up as your authentic self? What thoughts would you be thinking? How would you show up in your circles?
Here’s a little snippet from a conversation I had with a client recently that stemmed from that question:
Client: “Okay, but Sharla…I don’t want to feel sad, upset, angry, tired, or irritable.”
Me: “Okay, why?”
Client: “It doesn’t feel good”
Me: “Okay, why?”
Client: “I start overthinking everything and spiral out of control”
Me: “And how much did that have to do with how you were feeling to begin with?”
Client: “A lot, so I don’t want to overthink or spiral even more”
Me: “How does numbing out help?”
Client: “I don’t overthink as much?”
Me: “About one thing. But then how do you feel after the numbness has left?”
Client: “Even worse…I feel a lot of shame.”
Me: “What if it were true that you could accept your thoughts as just thoughts, acknowledge that you are feeling something, name it, witness it, and give yourself compassion for what you are feeling when you feel it?”
Client: “I would be able to cope with the negative thoughts easier.”
We went on to talk about what would be different if she were to focus on the emotions not being the problem and her not being the problem, but the hurtful messages she have come to believe as being the problem. She found a lot of freedom this session, and frequently returns back to this session as being a game-changer for her.
That is just a small summary of this conversation I have every week with women who are struggling with this exact thing. And you know what… the feelings aren’t the problem. We do need to know what to do about them though.
The problem is the belief and expectation we place on ourselves of what is socially desirable and acceptable.
That starts the overthinking spiral.
That leads to the ‘should’ thoughts, the fortune telling, shame cycle, perfectionist fantasies, the all or nothing thinking, etc..
I’m just going to let you sit with that for a second…
I used to think I ‘should’ do this every morning:
Exercise for 60 minutes and enjoy it
Eat a healthy breakfast
Meditate for 15 minutes in silence, while sitting still
Shower
Do my hair
Put makeup on
Make a healthy breakfast for my kids
Spend quality time with my kids and partner in the morning
Sit quietly on the couch with my coffee for the duration of the full cup
Feel calm and not rushed
If anyone knows me even a little bit, they will know that a)That’s never happened, b)That’s never happening, and c) I snorted with laughter at the last point. I mean… school STARTS at 7:50! How the F---- am I going to be able to do all that and still get my precious Zzzzzz’s? No, I’m not going to bed at 8. I have bedtime procrastination revenge and am unwilling to do that.
So you see, I’m not immune to it either. We humans set these unrealistic expectations for ourselves because of what we think we ‘should’ be doing or showing up as. Like we should be these robots that can do all the things.
Fun fact: we aren’t robots.
Here’s my secret recipe for being authentic, showing up, and doing what I can without shaming myself:
First, I make a list of my desired activities in the morning (or whatever it is I need to do):
Walk the dog
Shower
Do my hair
Do my makeup
Have some quiet time by myself in the morning
Get the kids ready
Spend some time with my partner and kids
Have breakfast
Have a big glass of warm lemon water
Next, I visualize a star and label it up:
Finally, I say, “Great....now pick 2-3.”
Why is this helpful?
First, it challenges the notion that productivity is tied up into self-worth. It says, “I don’t have to do all the things, because what I can do is enough.”
Secondly, it challenges the Laziness Lie that says your feelings, boundaries, and thoughts are untrustworthy.
Thirdly, it begins to tell you that you don’t have to avoid yourself in order to show up as you think you should.
You may be saying, sure, to the first two, Sharla...but that last point? I don’t know.
I do know.
Because I’ve talked to hundreds of people about this topic, and they all have a complex about their to-do list, feeling negative things, and avoiding the real problem which is the belief and expectation they place on themselves of doing what is socially desirable and acceptable (Yes, it’s so good, I’m saying it again).
We aren’t programmed as humans to be like Joy from the first two acts of Inside Out (pssst: they talk about this same thing in the movie…).
We are programmed as humans to be humans. As authentically ourselves as we are designed to be.
We are going to have emotions, because we are human.
Emotions do not have to be a bad thing. They are about the body providing feedback… a signal our body gives us, alerting us about something. Our bodies do the same thing when our tummy’s growl, when we yawn, or when our bladder tells us it’s time to go. It’s natural.
What is unnatural is fighting the emotions and pushing them away.
How do we fix this unhealthy response?
I’m so glad you asked! The process is simple, but it is like walking on your foot after it falls asleep; it might feel a bit weird and uncomfortable at first. But that is what us therapists are for. We are wizards at this stuff. You may not have been taught what to do with emotions in school, but we specialized in it.
Here’s the process I have seen work for hundreds of people:
Notice: what sensations do you notice in your body? Is there any part that is tense/sore/wobbly? Have your eating or sleeping habits changed?
Acknowledge: If your feeling were to have a name, what would it be? Not sure, check out an emotion wheel or mood meter and investigate. Fill in the blanks to this sentence: When I think about ______(not being enough/the problem, etc), I feel __________________, and I respond by ______________.
Observe and witness: Imagine you are an observer to this feeling; just noticing it, acknowledging it, not trying to fix it (like observing the waves in the ocean go up and down). The feeling might intensify a bit here...deep breath, shoulders back, head up. “Hi ______(feeling). I see you and know you are here.”
Practice self-compassion: If your friend were to come with you with these feelings and thoughts, how would you care for them? What does the evidence say about the thought? How can you give yourself some grace and compassion? If you need to take a break from the thought if the distress is getting too high, do that. Here are some ideas to help you should you need. Important to note: if emotions are this distressing for you, it’s time to see a counsellor. This is the sign you’ve been waiting for.
Now, I’m going to circle back to the beginning and show you an example:
I notice: my eyes feel heavy, my shoulders are droopy, I don’t feel like talking, and I feel tense when people talk to me today.
Acknowledge: “When I think about everything I need to be doing, I get really tired and lethargic, and I respond by avoiding the things that bring me joy.”
Observe: “Hi tired. Hi lethargy. I see you, and I’m not trying to fix you right now.”
Practice Self-compassion: I’m going to breathe deep (shoulders back, head up) for a while, make a nice cup of coffee, take a break from the chores, and do something creative if I feel like it.
Yeah, that’s good. Now you… go experiment with this and build that neural network of healthy emotion regulation!
Look out for next week’s bombshell: how to fix the thoughts in the first place that cause the emotions.
Well hello there! I’m Sharla
I’m a Registered Social Worker who specializes in working with women to heal anxiety and all the fun it brings to the party, ADHD struggles, disordered eating, shame, and trauma.
I founded Bloom Narratives, a private practice that provides holistic wellness services.
Why? So you can be a game changer in your life. Because healing people heal people.